if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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