I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
