I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
