When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
