I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
