kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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