see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
