he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
