Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
