really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
