It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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