I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
