Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
