Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
porn star boner night. come get it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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