Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
