I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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