guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
