I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
