i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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