come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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