I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
