I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
