Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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