I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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