i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
