I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
