I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
