I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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