I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
