evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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