I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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