Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
