you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
