I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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