I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
