I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
