If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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