Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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