I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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