I got chris browned last night
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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