Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
