Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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