at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my shit smells like andre
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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