Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
