What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
