the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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