I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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