Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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