So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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