see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
